Headphones on? Check. (Explicit)

 The last phone call had me swearing!

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Tell me, how can someone who is supposed to love you .... Feel the need to permanently remove you from this planet? It's not relevant to this post. It's just on my mind. I've lost so many people that I have loved, not just since the pandemic but before that too. I don't deal well with death. It sucker punches and pulls no stops. When I was 6 years old, I saw my first spirit. It's continually happened all my life. I only see dead people when my wall is down & they are close to ME. "Close" as in RELATED or FRIEND. Anyway ... Another story for another time.

I am currently, completely heartbroken right now. IYKYK.

Only 2 people read my shit anyway, so it's not like I care. My therapist is one, I'm curious who the other person is. Don't tell me, I wouldn't want to admit it either.

*Sigh* Write about my life... Ok.

When you want something so bad, that you can taste it, you work your ass off to get it. I was born with a rusty spoon, in my mouth. I didn't have the type of family that would help me with any dream, so I never asked. I'm Self Made. No one can accuse me of helping me when I first started. No one believed in my dreams but me. Dreams are constantly changing, once you've had a successful business. 

It's the "getting there", to being successful, that was so hard. You have to be drivin and innovative, more than your competitors. Believe me, their are other businesses doing the same thing as you.

This isn't well known, but my first business was a trash removal business. I started it with my 2nd husband P. Once we were done and on the verge of divorce, we closed the business. It would be 7 years before I went back in to the same business but with a different name. I tweaked the model and only did " one  time " hauling. We would clean out debris from basements, attics, construction clean ups, horder houses, etc. It was nasty work. But the money was epic. I remember one horder house cleanup costing $20k and the new home owner accepting it because every other company said no. Filthy doesn't begin to cover it. It took a week for me & one other person to complete. After all the dumping fees, I cleared $10 grand.

Never go "halvsies". No business I have ever started with another person has succeeded. Not One. The guy that helped me clean that rat infested, filthy hoarder house got a $500 bonus, in addition to his hourly pay. Boy, he was pissed!! He got it into his head that we were partners and he deserved half. I said " I never agreed to that. " I hired him from the many folks that the workforce commission sent to me. He had worked FOR me, since. I paid him, first .. Even when my take home pay was nothing because I spent the money in gas. He didn't pay half. He didn't pay half the truck insurance, he didn't own half the truck, he didn't pay half for my business license. He also Quit. Then I contacted the wc again. Hired another person. Because that's how you keep living.

Did I want to do that business forever? No. But it paid the bills, it afforded me to be able to buy school pictures and buy new shoes at a store that didn't have "thrift" in the name. I also didn't think about the job, once it was completed. I was continuously answering the phone and going out to give estimates. I worked 12 hours a day & was able to hire more help. That business was a far cry from "Farm life" but I lived on the farm while doing that job. I worked!!! Plus 4 then 9, then came the extras.. That's life. Life can be hectic but wild.

Farm life wasn't exactly a walk in the park. At one time, I moved my heathens and myself to a 51 thousand square feet building. It was 4 floors of an industrial building that I turned the 3rd level into a home, with partitions as walls. My office and trucks (the entire business) was on the first floor (ground level). I did this because the house we were living in, swayed every time the wind blew. 

It was a feeling that made me move us out of the house. 2 days later, the house crumbled. We were sleeping in tents, in the yard. I wouldn't ever let the kids back in. A whisper in my ear said "Watch". It was summer time. All the kids were asleep and I was reading my kindle. The sun was breaking the skyline, just barely. We were a good 500 feet away. There was a slight breeze then " WHOOSH!!" That woke everyone up for a mile. Our neighbors thought we were in the house and all of them came running!! The floor joists gave way from the second level. The first floor crumbled after the second floor hit it. There was a dirt basement. After a neighbor pulled the intact roof off, with his tractor and chains, we were able to scavenge for clothes, shoes, everything I and the kids, left behind. We never found everything. I gave the kids a week to do what they could, then I rented a backhoe and a dumpster. I found some canned food and a few clothes but in the end, I was sick of searching.

The farm always required work. We had animals to feed, eggs to collect and animals to milk (goat & cow). Not including whatever season it was, there were plants to seed, water, weed, fertilize, pick, etc. This is where my education came in handy. At the same time, I had to save enough to get us through winter or the whole year. If I didn't have the garden, there would have been a lot of times we didn't eat. We didn't eat a lot of processed foods. I learned to cook & bake. I also taught all of my kids, to do the same, because I wasn't always there. 

I went to the farmers market on Saturday's and when I was building my new house, we sold fruit & veg on the side of the road, on the way to the mountains or South Carolina. I put up a "honest box" every other day of the week. We kept a table full of veggies (and other stuff) and had a box that people could drop coins or dollars in, if they took any thing. Most people gave more money than what I would have charged them & other people gave nothing. It was never about the money. If someone was hungry, that's what it was about. I gave tons of food away, every year. I hated for anything to go bad. Not when I live in a nation where so many people feel shame for asking for help and a meal of veggies could mean the difference between full bellies or grumbling bellies. The money I made from the farm went to any activity that the kids wanted to do and helped buy food pellets for the animals.

My dating life during the "flat apartment" period included a guy B. He was a construction worker and that's how I met him. I wanted him to build me some walls and he stole my heart instead. It happened after a few months. He showed me the monetary difference between walls & partitions plus he built me a kitchen that was industrial sized and completely drool worthy. It became the one room everyone converged in. Even though each kid & extra kids had their own rooms. The living room/ family room was right off the kitchen and had 4 couches, 3 recliners, plush chairs & a bean bag. We had 1 big screen TV and it was given to me by a customer. Almost all of our blankets, sheets, home decor and dishes were given to us and I washed them before we used them. B's last day building for me, he had no fear in his eyes ... Said he was going to miss me and the rambunctious of the kids. BOOM! That's when it happened. You know my bold ass said "Well you don't have to miss us, come for dinner every night." It's his "Only if I can make breakfast the next morning." That thrilled me. 

I still made him go home for 2 months. We dated & after many discussions with and without the chitlins, B moved in. The kids loved B. I loved B. He stepped right into a dad role, for kids that didn't have that parental figure around. We lived together for 2 years and 1 month before B was killed on the job. He was hit in the head by a 2x4 that dropped from 6 floors up. It went through his hard hat, like it was made of butter. I had to confirm the identity of his body. His mom begged me to do it. She was living in Texas, so NC was a trip for her and she was in bad health. His mom has since passed away but I still wish I hadn't identified the body. It was a horrible sight.

Not many people were allowed in my life. After B passed away, they never met anyone I had been dating. Number One, I was too busy for "love" but I still had needs. I met a guy that could scratch that itch and he was fiiiinnneee. Funny thing, he never saw himself the way I saw him. He once told me "you make me feel like I'm the only man in the world that you desire." I replied with "you are". Or something like that. We had a mutual, sexual attraction but I was so busy, finding the time to fuck him became almost impossible. My life was so full and demanding. Finding the time to sleep, after a day that started at 4am and went full stop until 11pm, you best believe I slept like the dead. I would fall asleep on one of the couches and the kids would throw a sheet over me and go to bed. They knew better than to wake me up. I'm sure that they secretly hoped I would sleep past 4am so they wouldn't have to go to the farm every morning. They just didn't know that I had an internal alarm. 

Enough?