I really hate blogging... Shaylas Death ... Coping.

 I try my hardest to not post here, I hate it.

What you see and what I see, are two entirely different things.

You see some boring blog that has a few entries.

When I look at the dashboard, I see 503 entries in draft mode.

😞

My daughter posted here!

Shaylas Death affected me in ways that I never expected. It wasn't until six months had passed that I started accepting it.

 Me?!!!

 The first person that everyone came to for a favor. The one who laughed at every joke she's ever heard, even if they were bad. The one person, who never met a stranger!! (Sometimes I felt like a politician. .) A person who would take her shoes off, to give them to someone in need who happened to be walking on the same rocks. 

On the flip side, there's also the Me that would give you a good "FU", complained profusely about the farm & wrote it on her farm blog that became a popular youtube channel. (The channel has since been archived.)

To say My Heart was Broken... Is an understatement. 

After leaving my apartment, Shayla, her husband Jeff and their 3 Children (ages 8, 5 & 3) were killed in a head on collision. 2 miles from my apartment.

This happened in September 2020. I refer to it as "the day my life changed". 

I went through all the stages of grief. They were all brutal. 

I was THE ONLY PERSON allowed at the funeral home and burial. 

I watched 5 coffins be lowered into the ground. My face was stoic. I had no emotion. I felt dead inside. 

Then I went home and had to deal with a narcissistic mother & 8 kids that were upset that they hadn't been allowed to attend. Lots of tears were shed and angry words were said. I was beyond my breaking point!! 2 days later, I woke up in the ER and found out that I had been attacked by a fan of my videos, who thought she could live my life better (but that's a different story). I was in the hospital for 63 days! 3 days AFTER I got home from the hospital, I had a stroke. A blood clot to the brain. I survived it. Of course, I had to re learn to walk & talk again.

Losing Shayla was hard. No one ever prepares you for that. 

It's been almost 2 years. I'm dealing. Surviving. The best way I can.

I couldn't tell anyone when it happened because that made it real. My own family didn't know for 6 months!! So much happened back to back ... And I cried so much for so long. Does it get easier? No. I've learned to walk a different path but the pain will always be there. I use to feel guilty for laughing. Now I take pills for that.